What to Do After 2 Miscarriage in a Row and Pregnant Again
I stepped out of Oxford Circus tube into mid-morning crowds and cold, brilliant sunshine. The consultant's words were however ringing in my ears. "Naught." How could the answer exist zip? This was Jan 2018, six months since my third miscarriage, a symptomless, rather businesslike affair, diagnosed at an early on scan. The previous Nov, I'd undergone a series of investigations into possible reasons why I'd lost this baby and the ii before it.
That morning, we had gone to hash out the results at the specialist NHS clinic we'd been referred to later on officially joining the one in 100 couples who lose three or more pregnancies. I had barely removed my coat before the doctor started rattling off the things I had tested negative for: antiphospholipid antibodies, lupus anticoagulant, Gene V Leiden, prothrombin gene mutation.
"I know it doesn't experience like information technology, but this is proficient news," he said, while the hopeful part of me crumpled. We were not going to get a magic wand, a cure, a different-coloured pill to try next time.
Now, my husband, Dan, was back at work and, for reasons I can't really explain, I had decided to take myself shopping rather than get home after the date. I stood staring downwards the apartment, gray frontages of Topshop and NikeTown and willed my feet to unstick themselves from the pavement.
I ended upwardly wandering the beauty hall of one of London's more famous department stores. I let myself be persuaded to try a new facial, which uses "medical-grade lasers" to evaporate pollution and dead peel cells from pores to "rejuvenate" and "transform" your complexion. Upstairs in the treatment room, the form I was handed asked if I'd had whatsoever surgery in the past year. I wrote in tight, cramped letters that six months ago I had an operation to remove the remains of a pregnancy, nether general anaesthetic. When I handed the clipboard back to the beautician, she didn't mention it. I wished that she would.
As I lay back and felt the hot ping of the light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation dotting beyond my forehead, I thought how ridiculous this all was; that this laser-facial is something humans have figured out how to do. How has someone, somewhere, in a lab or the boardroom of a cosmetics conglomerate, conceived of this – a solution to a problem that barely exists – and yet no one can tell me why I tin can't bear a baby?
At that place is no dr. who tin can reverse a miscarriage. Mostly, co-ordinate to medical literature, one time one starts, it cannot exist prevented. When I read these words for the first time, 3 years ago, later on Googling "bleeding in early pregnancy", a few days before what should have been our 12-week browse, I felt cheated. Cheated, because when you're significant you are bombarded with instructions that are supposed to prevent this very thing. No soft cheese for y'all. No drinking, either. Don't smoke, limit your caffeine intake, no cleaning out the cat's litter tray. I had assumed, naively, that this meant we knew how to prevent miscarriage these days, that we understood why information technology happened and what caused it; that information technology could exist avoided if you followed the rules.
You learn very quickly that the truth is more complicated. Subsequently a miscarriage, no medic asks you how much coffee you drank or if yous accidentally ate any under-cooked meat. Instead you lot find that miscarriage is judged to exist largely unavoidable. An estimated ane in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, with the bulk occurring earlier the 12-week marking. Seventy-one per cent of people who lose a pregnancy aren't given a reason, according to a 2019 survey past the infant charity Tommy'southward. You lot are told – repeatedly – that it's "merely bad luck", "only ane of those things", "only nature'south style".
Just, merely, just. A fatalistic shrug of a word. Only this is non the whole story. "There is this myth out there that every miscarriage that occurs is considering there's some profound trouble with the pregnancy, that there's zero that can be done," says Arri Coomarasamy, a professor of gynaecology and reproductive medicine, and director of the UK's National Centre for Miscarriage Enquiry, which was set by Tommy's in 2016. "Science is trying to unpick that myth."
Unfortunately, the roots of this myth run deep. It's an idea reinforced by the social convention that yous shouldn't reveal a pregnancy until after 12 weeks, once the highest gamble of miscarriage has passed. Information technology goes unchallenged thanks to historic period-old squeamishness and shame effectually women's bodies, and our collective ineloquence on matters of grief. The bloody, untimely end of a pregnancy sits at the centre of a perfect Venn diagram of things that make u.s.a. uncomfortable: sex activity, death and periods.
An impression persists that, while unfortunate, miscarriages are soon forgotten once some other baby arrives – that y'all'll get in that location somewhen. Information technology's truthful that the majority of people who take a miscarriage will go on to accept a successful pregnancy when they adjacent excogitate (virtually 80%, ane study carried out in the 1980s found). Fifty-fifty among couples who have had three miscarriages in a row, for more than than half, the next pregnancy will be successful. Appropriately, the prevailing logic seems to exist that not only is miscarriage something that cannot be fixed – information technology doesn't need to exist fixed. There is piffling research or funding for trials, and only glancing attending from the healthcare system. What is non existence heard, in all this, is that miscarriage matters.
T here is a magical feeling that comes on later on a miscarriage, I have institute. A semi-delusional land that lasts for days, sometimes weeks, afterward. After each one of mine (and in that location accept been iv now), I've caught myself believing I am nevertheless significant, despite all prove to the contrary – the trips to A&Due east, the blood, the still ultrasounds, the forms labelled "sensitive disposal of pregnancy remains".
It starts in the mornings. For a moment, stuck somewhere between sleeping and waking, I won't have remembered, and, briefly, I'thou still happy. Meaning. When the phone rings, for a split 2nd I'll imagine it is the hospital calling to tell me there has been a error. A mix-up. They've got the results: I am, in fact, even so significant. Or my husband volition say, casually, over dinner, "Oh exercise you want to hear some skillful news?" and I'll think: he's going to tell me I'thousand significant.
Information technology is the stupor, I remind myself, the trauma: it leads to disbelief. Like feeling that the loved i who has died is most to walk through the front door any minute and sit in their favourite chair. This inability to take reality seems logical to me – inevitable, fifty-fifty – when there is no explanation for what has happened. The brain wants to solve problems, to brand meaning.
There are very few specialist miscarriage clinics in the Great britain. Some people end up being seen past a full general gynaecologist or sent to a fertility dispensary. Generally, doctors will only agree to expect for a possible cause of miscarriages once you take had three in a row. Fifty-fifty after investigations, which in NHS centres tend to expect for structural problems with the womb and for claret-clotting disorders, effectually one-half of people will never be given a reason for their losses. At that place aren't even official guidelines on preventing miscarriage – simply on its diagnosis and "direction".
With no answers to your questions – why did it happen? Will it happen once again? – you are cut adrift in a sea of recommendations from women on Mumsnet, individual doctors, people offering fertility supplements, herbalists and nutritionists, and from cult all-time-sellers that promise to tell you lot how to improve the quality of your eggs. It's been more than 40 years since embryologist Jean Purdy watched as a unmarried-cell embryo in a petri dish divided into 2, then four, so eight cells that would become the world's first IVF infant. Humans have worked out how to intervene in lodge to create life in a lab, only not how to sustain it in the earliest weeks inside the body. The stage betwixt conception and an ongoing pregnancy, visible on an ultrasound scan (at around half-dozen weeks) is sometimes referred to every bit the "blackness box" of human development.
According to Prof Nick Macklon, medical director of the London Women's Clinic and an expert in miscarriage and early on pregnancy, the reason at that place's been so fiddling progress is that nosotros've been asking the incorrect questions. "We utilize the term 'recurrent miscarriage' every bit if it were a medical diagnosis, yet there isn't i single medical cause," he said. Some women may accept a blood-clotting disorder; for others, a contributing factor could be thyroid dysfunction. Many women who miscarry announced not to have an underlying wellness condition at all; instead, their bodies seem to be less able to discern what is and isn't a feasible embryo. Nonetheless studies of possible preventative treatments tend to recruit their subjects as if all recurrent miscarriages have the same cause.
This, in Macklon'south view, is probable to explain why several large, quality trials of possible treatments to reduce the chance of miscarriage, such every bit heparin (a blood thinner) and aspirin, as well equally the hormone progesterone, take failed to prove any clear benefit, and have subsequently been dismissed by the medical community. Some of these treatments may in fact work for some women, but, Macklon says, "because of the manner the study is designed, it comes out as not working overall".
A related problem lies in the mistaken assumption that most (if non all) miscarriages happen because the pregnancy was doomed to fail. In half of all miscarriages, the embryo will have a serious chromosomal aberration that means information technology could never survive, simply the other one-half are believed to be healthy embryos. Prof Siobhan Quenby, a consultant obstetrician at Academy Hospitals Coventry and Warwickshire, heads up a specialist clinic into recurrent miscarriage, 1 of four centres that class Tommy's National Heart for Miscarriage Research. The key question, she believes, is establishing whether someone is repeatedly losing chromosomally normal or aberrant pregnancies. "Anybody from their third miscarriage onwards should take their miscarriage tissue tested genetically," she said.
Yet admission to genetic testing is patchy. Not all NHS hospitals can exercise this kind of testing on site. If someone miscarries at home, the onus is on them to collect a clean sample of the tissue and accept it to their infirmary within 24 hours. This may not be something they tin do – or even know almost.
Quenby is a celebrity in the world of recurrent miscarriage patients. Her name often crops upwardly in the "miracle baby" stories that make the papers, with headlines such as "Baby joy for couple who lost 13 babies to miscarriages". Her particular area of involvement is how the lining of the womb behaves in early on pregnancy – and how it might contribute to miscarriage. She is one of the authors of a study published in January 2020, which institute that a repurposed diabetes drug, sitagliptin, could reduce the risk of miscarriage by boosting the number of stem cells in the womb lining. These cells are responsible for renewing the lining and reducing inflammation. "Information technology'south nevertheless only a pocket-sized airplane pilot trial, but it is fantastically heady," Quenby told me. "It's the first time in a long time that at that place'south been a potential new drug treatment."
Quenby is convinced information technology's not and then much the treatment options that are defective, just the will to attempt them. "Information technology's the opposite of 'we can't exercise anything'," she said. "There are tons of things nosotros can endeavor at present." Still, equally a miscarriage patient, you run upwards against the dilemma that recurrent miscarriage is not a diagnosis in itself, so the difficulty is in establishing which treatment is most appropriate to you. Even with the help of the almost motivated of doctors, there is going to be a degree of trial and error.
Many people will be told, every bit we were, that the best handling is no handling – simply effort again. This is what nosotros did, simply to miscarry for a fourth time. We were under the supervision of the recurrent-miscarriage clinic, notwithstanding even afterwards that fourth loss, the prescription remained the same: just keep trying.
It took us a year earlier we felt set to roll the dice once more. Shortly afterwards I started researching this piece, in Nov, I found out I was pregnant for the fifth fourth dimension.
T o be pregnant over again after previous miscarriages is to live at the fork of ii alternative lives. You endeavour to think as little equally possible about what'due south going on within your body, while, of course, thinking about information technology all the fourth dimension. Alive or dead? Baby or miscarriage? In every possible scenario, you plan for the two outcomes. To a sure extent, you are forced to buy into both possibilities simultaneously. You cannot truly believe it will work out, but you have to proceed as though you are meaning anyhow, until a browse proves otherwise. Alive and expressionless. Schrödinger'due south foetus.
You treat yourself every bit your own walking research study: a sample of one. Perhaps y'all accept a different brand of prenatal vitamin. Or you do different do. You do no do at all. You potable less caffeine. Yous potable no caffeine at all. You lot are more careful. You are less careful, because you've been unimpeachably careful before and look where it got you. Mostly, though, you just wait.
Why hasn't miscarriage medicine moved faster or farther? Why isn't there more certainty nigh what works and what doesn't? The get-go detailed depictions of a human embryo'south development, from 3 weeks to four months, were produced by the German anatomist Samuel Thomas Soemmerring in 1799, and the images are remarkably like to graphics used in week-by-calendar week pregnancy apps today. Yet a precise schema of measurements to date the stages of early pregnancy – betwixt seven and 16 weeks – wasn't established in modern clinical practice until 1973, with the advent of ultrasound imaging. We had put a man on the moon before we could routinely come across, in real time, what was happening inside a adult female'south womb.
Pregnancy research, in general, is underfunded. A recent research review, published in January 2020, plant that for every £1 spent on pregnancy care in the NHS, less than 1p is spent on pregnancy research. "Compared to other areas – such every bit infertility – miscarriage has certainly lagged behind," said Arri Coomarasamy, who sees patients in both fields.
"Miscarriage gets a bad deal," agreed Hassan Shehata, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist, who runs the Center for Reproductive Immunology and Pregnancy, in Epsom, Surrey. "For a start, there is no specialist training," he said. When you train as a gynaecologist, y'all tin specialise in sub-fields such as infertility and IVF, but in that location is no specific speciality in miscarriage, he explained.
At that place are as well applied difficulties to conducting studies. "Pregnancy is difficult to research as, by its nature, studying it might disrupt it," Nick Macklon told me. This means y'all're often left with retrospective population information (hands skewed past multiple factors), or studying donated embryo or foetal tissue (tightly restricted for ethical reasons – and prohibited birthday by "personhood" laws in some parts of the The states, which insist on burial or cremation of all pregnancy tissue).
Even when human trials of treatments are viable, there is the challenge of persuading women who are desperate to avoid some other miscarriage to sign upwards to a study in which they might be given the placebo. As Ippokratis Sarris, a consultant in reproductive medicine and director of King's Fertility, a private fertility dispensary in London, put it: "It's very difficult to do a proper trial – people want to take something they think might work. How do y'all tell them they can't have information technology until there is expert bear witness?"
Now that I was significant again, there was i handling I was desperate to attempt. Progesterone has long been the great promise of miscarriage research. This "pro-gestation" hormone is produced in higher quantities during pregnancy by a woman'due south ovaries (and, subsequently on, by the placenta). It is essential throughout pregnancy and helps set the womb lining, although scientists don't yet understand the precise mechanisms by which it does this. In May 2019, a large, multi-center trial of progesterone, given in early pregnancy – the Prism trial – found that for women with a history of recurrent miscarriage who had started bleeding during their side by side pregnancy, taking progesterone made a pregnant difference to the alive birth rate, compared with a placebo.
I was prepared to debate the toss for progesterone with my doctors this time around. I knew the new evidence didn't perfectly fit our circumstances. I wasn't bleeding in this pregnancy, for one thing. To my surprise, the female physician we saw at the clinic for our first engagement, in the first calendar month of this pregnancy, agreed to prescribe it without then much every bit a raised countenance. It was not the commencement time I have asked almost some speculative handling, only information technology was the showtime time the clinic had agreed.
Every bit Dan and I joined the queue at the hospital pharmacy, tucked abroad in a grimy building in Paddington, I felt I was holding on to something bigger than the printed prescription in my hand. For the start time, we had something, afterwards existence told that there was cypher.
So less than a week later, at eight weeks significant, I started to bleed.
T hither are therapies for miscarriage that have been available privately for well over a decade, yet are no closer to condign mainstream medicine or available on the NHS. Where questions remain over the evidence, individual clinics can go ahead and offer treatment anyway – something the NHS cannot practice.
One therapy bachelor at a handful of private clinics – lymphocyte immunisation therapy (LIT), in which a woman is given a transfusion of white blood cells from their male partner before she becomes pregnant – has been banned in the United states, outside of a enquiry setting. Such treatments vest to a field known as reproductive immunology, and stalk from work in the 80s and 90s past an American obstetrician, Alan Beer, who once summed upwardly his theory in the post-obit way: "Effectively, women become serial killers of their ain babies."
The idea is that miscarriage can be caused by a hyper-vigilant immune system that misrecognises the symptoms of pregnancy equally a threat. In these cases, treatment may involve suppressing the immune system using steroids or intralipids (essentially an emulsion of soybean oil and egg yolk, given intravenously, sometimes referred to every bit the "mayonnaise" or "egg-yolk" baste). Clinics accuse up to £50,000 for such treatments. However, all but 1 of the experts I spoke to expressed scepticism nigh their effectiveness.
Funding high-quality trials is particularly difficult when information technology comes to treatments that target the immune system, because, according to Quenby, in the past in that location has been a tendency to over-hype the results.
Quenby believes our understanding of miscarriage would improve if we considered information technology as a public wellness issue, as we exercise stillbirth and neonatal deaths. Both of these are more than mutual where there are high levels of social deprivation, and it's likely the aforementioned is true of miscarriage rates, too. Though, currently, hospital trusts are not required to report the charge per unit in their area.
But like periods, female person pain, the menopause and conditions such as endometriosis, which also want for adept inquiry and understanding, it's hard not to conclude that miscarriage suffers from a lack of knowledge and involvement considering it happens to female person bodies. What'south more than, the underlying assumption tends to be that miscarriage is e'er downwards to something a woman's body is or isn't doing.
In 2019, researchers at Majestic College London plant that partners of women who have had three or more miscarriages tend to accept higher levels of damage to their sperm's Dna. The trial was pocket-size, comparison the sperm of 50 men whose partners had had miscarriages with sixty men whose partners had non. The results will need to be replicated. And earlier whatsoever possible treatments can be trialled, researchers need to found what causes such DNA impairment.
Notwithstanding, Quenby said, "The fact that we're fifty-fifty looking at it is really of import." Traditionally, men and their contribution to the pregnancy have been largely left out of the picture. In the past 3 years, while I take been scanned and probed and pricked for multiple phials of blood, bated from completing a form outlining his basic medical history when nosotros were referred to the recurrent-miscarriage clinic, Dan has not been required to and then much as cough and say "ah".
West hen I discovered I was bleeding, I did a drastic search online for answers. I decided I was either having my fifth miscarriage – or, just possibly, the intermittent, chocolate-brown spotting was a side effect of the progesterone. I knew I should phone the recurrent miscarriage clinic, or my GP, or effort to get an appointment for a scan at my nearest early pregnancy unit. Merely I couldn't bear to. I was not fix to talk practicalities just yet, and there was no one at the clinic to call for the sake of talking. Besides, we were due to go back for a scan the following week.
In the following days, the bleeding didn't stop, but it didn't get worse, either. Even so, I couldn't milk shake the thought that, at 8 weeks pregnant, this was the verbal same indicate I had miscarried the final 3 times. Dan and I made our contingencies. It was early December, and we were due to movement business firm in a few days, and nosotros discussed how we would fit surgery around the move, if information technology turned out to be bad news. I bought sanitary pads and vino. We pretended we were sanguine. We pretended we knew how we would cope. "We're pros now," we joked. I barely slept the dark before the appointment.
On 4 December, my mum came with united states to the hospital and managed to go on up a steady patter nigh her cycling, her knitting and the roadworks on the A14 while we waited. I knew she wanted to distract me. But the only words my brain had infinite for were the ones I was convinced I was about to hear for a fifth time: I'yard so sorry in that location is no heartbeat. I'g so sorry there is no heartbeat.
When we were finally called in for the browse, I explained to the sonographer that I was anxious. That I'd been bleeding. I tried not to look at the impress on the wall of the room – the same room we were in last time – of a red heart, printed in swirly faux-brushstrokes. I tried not to think what I thought terminal time: how fucking inappropriate that is. A heart, for when there is no heartbeat.
I lay downward on the bed and unbuttoned my jeans. Dan held my hand. I was braced for the words: Then sad. So sorry. Except they didn't come up. The sonographer was telling u.s. that everything looked fine. She turned the screen towards us, and she was pointing out the flickering heartbeat. She was telling us that I was measuring in at 9 weeks and one solar day. The infant was moving. And I was crying.
D id I cartel to believe that the progesterone was actually working? The possibility loomed in my heed that our miscarriages really had been "just" bad luck all along. At to the lowest degree one of our losses was downward to a chromosomal abnormality known as a triploidy: substantially an extra set of chromosomes. One cause of this is an egg existence fertilised by two sperm at once – every bit random and unavoidable equally that.
About two weeks after it started, the bleeding waned and our dispensary suggested it was fourth dimension we transferred to our local hospital for antenatal intendance and the 12-week dating scan. (This is normally the first browse people accept on the NHS, at the end of the first trimester, and information technology's used to check the foetus's health and approximate the due date.) On the i paw, this felt similar an achievement – nosotros had never made it this far earlier – only on the other, it meant leaving the relative security of the specialist dispensary, where anybody understands why you don't want to think further ahead than the next appointment.
Feeling like fledglings pushed from the nest, we had to dauntless the official NHS booking-in date, which involved giving our medical histories to the local midwifery squad and some routine screening tests. We have done this twice before, during previous pregnancies, when we knew and worried less. 2 days after the second one, I bled out the tiny embryo on our bed at abode. I hadn't dared make this particular appointment since.
We got our all-important engagement for the dating browse, a little over two weeks abroad – delayed slightly by the Christmas break. Fourth dimension passed twitchily. Nosotros congratulated ourselves for not miscarrying on Christmas Eve, on Christmas Solar day, on Boxing Day.
On 30 December, 6 hours before the browse, I read a note from the hospital that said you have to pay £5 for a copy of the browse photo. Fleetingly, I debated getting some cash out, simply decided this would be jinxing things. At the hospital, I squeaked my name to the receptionist. We were early. This may accept been our 12-week scan, but it had taken us 48 weeks of pregnancy to get here. I really wasn't sure if I could await another 20 minutes.
I had my spiel prepared for the sonographer – "a bit anxious" … "four miscarriages".
"Cheers for telling me," she said, every bit I lay downwards. There was the briefest of pauses. "OK, hither's your baby."
Whereas in previous pregnancies in that location had only been cavernous blackness on the ultrasound monitor, now there was wobbling movement; the grey outline of a caput and a tiny, round stomach – a waving, wondrous sea brute emerging from the dark.
"They're a wriggler," the sonographer told u.s., grinning. I gripped Dan's hand and we watched as the baby – I volition endeavor to phone call it a baby from now on – somersaulted for us. For the beginning time, we left an antenatal unit with a scan photograph and stepped out into entirely new territory.
On xiv March, we hitting 24 weeks, which is deemed the betoken of "viability" – that is, when a foetus is theoretically capable of surviving exterior the womb. Whatever was going to happen to us from now on, it would not be classified as a miscarriage. Keeping this baby live would no longer exist down to my body lonely. Should anything happen, doctors would have to at least try to arbitrate. These were not comforting thoughts exactly, just they were something.
Ten days afterward, the whole of the Britain went into coronavirus lockdown. The weekend we had quietly historic reaching viability besides turned out to be the final weekend I would see anyone but my married man or a healthcare professional for a long time.
T he initial days of confinement were softened by activity and preparation: batch-cooking, arranging deliveries, cancelling plans. I comforted myself past reading the official Covid-nineteen guidance from the Royal Higher of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists over and over: "At that place is no evidence to advise an increased take chances of miscarriage … Significant women are still no more than likely to contract coronavirus than the full general population."
Slowly, though, as I watched the number of reported cases and deaths ascension, marooned on the sofa at dwelling, fearfulness seeped under the door. Not a solar day has gone by, since finding out I was pregnant over again, that I have not worried that my baby might die. But now, during a global pandemic, those nebulous anxieties hardened into something nameable. The shadow on the plant nursery wall had taken a solid shape.
I woke upwardly one night in the first week of lockdown feeling hot, my pharynx tight. This is it, I thought – I've caught it. I had barely been exterior for a fortnight, though I did become my hair cut a few days before lockdown was alleged. And so the taunt went round and around in my head, as I stared at the ceiling unable to sleep: your baby could die, and all for the sake of your split ends. In the rational light of twenty-four hour period (and feeling fine), I ended it had probably been heartburn.
The world shrank. I baked bread and planted herbs. I silenced notifications and deleted social media accounts from my telephone. I tracked my daily steps and counted my baby'southward kicks using an app. Mixed in with the fear and stress of doubt, there was besides a guilty kind of sadness for the things I would not go to practise – things I had dreamed of for then long: a "terminal" holiday as a couple, showing off my bump in my starting time motherhood dress, meeting new "mum friends" for coffee.
People phoned to ask how we were coping, just it felt selfish to admit to such pocket-sized sadnesses, when there were bigger worries: for my blood brother, who had to postpone his wedding; for my cousin, who is a nurse; for our 4 grandmothers, who all live lone. Then there were the worries of people I don't know, but who could so easily have been us: those who take had their fertility treatment cancelled, or who volition be told they have miscarried during scan appointments they take had to attend alone, in order to protect other patients and NHS staff. At the time of writing, hospitals were being brash not to offering extra scans in early pregnancy, even for people with a history of miscarriages.
On 17 Apr, calendar week four of lockdown, I attended an engagement for a 28-week routine growth scan by myself, while Dan, post-obit the new rules, waited in the car. A security guard at the door checked my proper name off a listing. The sonographer and midwife I saw wore masks and visors, while the doctor conducted my appointment from the opposite end of the consulting room. I projected my voice, like a bad stage actor: "No, no family history of diabetes", then on.
On some days, it has felt as though the pandemic has brought my feel of pregnancy closer to the curve of normality. For so long, I had felt as if I was only playing at pregnancy, like a modest daughter with a absorber up her jumper. I couldn't trust that I would become to do things other pregnant women take for granted. Simply then, suddenly, no one else was going to antenatal classes, throwing baby showers or browsing section stores for the perfect pram either.
The temptation, when you get to where we are now, however meaning after then many losses – and in the shadow of loss on a global scale – is to start talking nigh miracles. But I don't believe in miracle babies any more than. I believe we should be able to put our religion in the evidence, in noesis of how our bodies work – or don't work. That waiting and hoping isn't enough. Even and so, as I sit down here, in my fifth pregnancy, in the third trimester, wearing my very first pair of maternity jeans, feeling our infant kick inside me, it is hard not to consider it a wonder that any of us gets to be here at all. Especially when there is still and so much we don't know.
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/may/05/my-four-miscarriages-why-is-losing-a-pregnancy-so-shrouded-in-mystery
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